Life happens. Parents, keep on trucking.

I recently read a great blog post that said trust your intuition because kids don’t come with parenting manuals. I agree, there’s no instructional booklet, insurance or map that show the “best” way get from A to B (by A to B, I mean baby to 18!). That’s why, normally, I would feel a bit more distressed about how life with kids is currently unfolding. I won’t go into details but you can imagine the issues EVERYONE is facing- one way or another. From financial stress to swine flu fears, parents can easily become derailed and overwhelmed with nostalgia for their fleeting “golden age” of parenting (or the “well-laid plans” before life took over).

I speak for myself when I say, dang, I started off on a MUCH more focused, purposeful path . Then, after three kids, two houses and another big move, I felt everything I identified with as a parent sort of slipped and I just kind of began existing. I went from proactive to reactive, without even noticing. I’m sure you’ve had that feeling when it hits you like, “huh, I sure didn’t plan for this.” My kids calling me butthead, was one of those moments.

Just a few months ago, I was looking at an early midlife crisis, a mombod and three unruly boys. Thankfully, now, despite the slip-ups, I understand more about MY family and I see those three rowdy fellows quite differently than three months ago (the mombod? not so much).

However, as I wrap the Parenting on Track Home Course, I’ll admit three things:

1. I watched EVERY DVD, and literally, LOL’d, alot.

2. I fell off the wagon a couple times (including missing a couple family meetings because I couldn’t get to the ATM-oops), and

3. I truly learned some VALUABLE knowledge about raising kids, MY KIDS.

Truth be told, it took me 14 weeks to get through due to vacation week and unexpected suburban drama. So here I am, looking back at where I started, at do nothing say nothing. I took the time to reflect and make small changes.

Am I perfect? No, (hell no is more like it), but I realize that the tools I need to raise the kids I want DO exist within ME. Did I really commit to the values I laid out 8 weeks ago? Yes, and NO- because you can’t just overhaul everything at once. So, now I can go back and revisit what I’ve learned and focus on the GOALS I set for my family. The best part- they like the goals! It IS NOT like, (as Vicki says in one of the lessons) “Ok kids, there’s a new sheriff in town!” It’s more like, “hey guess what guys, I like you and you like it when things run smoother around here.” And they do!

The best part is that the course is a framework for reference forever. I see this as being one of the best chances that I can get my family into positive changes when things have gotten, well, shitty. ☺ (NOTE: that’s just mud but it did the trick didn’t it?)

It literally is a roadmap for success. I am going to use it.  I will tell any parent anywhere that not only is the program stellar, but the community driving the philosophy—from the founder, Vicki Hoefle (who I have gotten to know over the past few weeks) to the team of parents coordinating workshops and conferences, classes and everything. I’m SO glad I found the Parenting on Track experience.

NOTE TO SELF: I think I realized that I don’t care if my kids call me butthead. If I REACT like I care, well, then, it simply feeds a weed I don’t care to water. Next…

Steady on the Downhills: 3 Things We SHOULD NOT DO as Parents

When parenting, it’s super easy to veer off track and hit the ditch. Yelling- grouchy, stressed-whatever. I’ve been following the Parenting on Track home course for about 3 months and I’ve come to realize there are a few now-obvious reactions I should NOT do when a kid is driving me mad.

1.    DO NOT use sarcasm. It only rubs the WRONG way, everytime. Considering my unwavering sense of wit and wisdom, I naturally prefer sarcasm over other comedic forms. But, even when my angels have done something SO deserving of a sharp-tongued comment like, Oh, isn’t that awesome. Look, honey, he thinks he’s awesome and doesn’t have to do anything around here. Well, if he’s so awesome, let’s see him …. That kind of grrr…you make me mad so I’ll slip a sarcastic comment in there reaction. I catch myself prior to sarcasm way more now- it’s hard but I know, deep down, it’s NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING POSITIVE for either of us.

2.    DO NOT spoil a perfect, textbook NATURAL CONSEQUENCE. There’s real value in learning that if you forget your coat, you will be chilly and they won’t let you out at recess.  As a mom, I screw it up if I do either of these:

a- Pack the jacket for him, on the sly

b-Let him experience the entire jacket-less episode and as he walks in the door, blurt out: “Next time, you’d better bring that coat! I told, didn’t I?”

In the final week, the lesson mentions this: if he’s about to learn it WITHOUT my interjected wisdom, let him learn it! I can say things like, “Ooh, that must have been frustrating. What will you do next time so THAT doesn’t happen?” VS. try and pull an “I-told-you-so.”

3.    DO NOT FOCUS SOLELY ON PROBLEMS.

Example: My 5 year old can be a whiner. Sometimes, I get irritated and begin every sentence with “I can’t hear you until you stop whining…” “Will you stop whining?” or even think: “Wow, you are a whiner.”

But look- I’m focusing on the thing I cannot stand. Now, it’s not a big deal to say “stop whining” but it IS a big deal that as time goes on, he molds more and more into the “whiner.” It becomes identity and I when I think of it that way- I DO NOT like the idea of even gently correcting him on such flaws.

So, to drive it home, I thought…It makes me NUTS when people set up a statement TO ME in conversation like, “Don’t overreact, but…” OR “I know you won’t remember when I say…” or “I know you’re dramatic and you’re not going to like this” (heehee) – Those set ups immediately put me in a place of a)reaction or b) annoyance.

(Notice: nobody ever focused on Luke’s whining and he saved the galaxy. )

In short- it’s sometime easier to remember what NOT to do as a parent VS. all the things I should do…you know?

NOTE TO SELF: There are other, more obvious things we SHOULD NOT DO AS PARENTS…

Slip Sliding the Slippery Slope…

Slip Sliding the Slippery Slope

There couldn’t be a better time to test out the slippery-slope theory. It’s April, it’s the 9th month of winter in VT, and ain’t nobody riding a unicorn in the soft, sunny beach sands of life. (If you are, don’t tell me about it, ok Charlieeee?).

Take my neighborhood for example- it’s gone to the birds – people are divorcing, fighting , splitting, cheating- it’s harsh, to say the least. I “laugh” (and cry at the same time) because just a year ago, the “hood” Christmas party was fun and funny.

This past season, however, it was a trainwreck of drunken stories of people derailed from their original path. “he texted X” and “she’s leaving Y”…and “that a$$^&*#” and so forth. Who’d have thought texting would be the midlife menace? Anyway, I have feeling I am not the only one who suffered a few uncomfortable pauses mid-martini this holiday (right?).

Sudden shifts (day to day) happen at home too. One minute, things are smooth sailing. Then next? A bomb…a big bomb. A little bomb. A cluster bomb. Kids revolt, parents fall off the wagon and BOOM! Right back to the beginning…Chutes and Ladders style.

In the home program, you stop and think about all the new and improved ways to look at life with children. You practice. You reflect and you find out one BIG detail: That you are always one slippery slide from an Ice Age plummet.

A good day? You say, yes, as soon as…and they go with it. You have patience and joy and you parent from your best (with a little bluebird on your shoulder). Days run smoothly, kids get out the door on their own- they don’t whack each other at the table..whatever! But just when you think you’ve “got something right”…God makes his plan…

A Bad Day? (Hypothetical, of course…)

You fly off and act like a fool and say things to prove you won– like, “SEE? I TOLD you.” Then you feel crappy because the kid already screwed up (funny how I can’t think of an example right now) and you blew it with a huff and a puff and a “go to your room!” Then, with head low, you make up for by saying, “oh, honey, you can have the controllers back.” And it starts over.

So beware the slippery slope – it leads to the rabbit hole!

Up next: TIPS & STRATEGIES for staying steady on the downhills.

Note to self: A bad day is when I lie in bed on top of laundry mountain, in sweats with a mudslide hangover and think of things that might have been.

BTW, see what boys can do? Those parents probably waited 15 yrs to get away…slip & slidin’ away.

Do NOT feed the weed.

Spring’s here. And you know what sounds are popping up everywhere I turn?

Whining, yelling, whining, yelling.

We’re sick of being inside. We’re mad at each other for crowding personal space. We’re annoyed that there’s not much motivation flying around. We need some sunshine.

Take a peek outside—I see little buds breaking through. It’s spring. And with spring come WEEDS. And by weeds, I mean all the annoying behaviors that make you even more annoyed and agitated until you yourself use a mean and ornery voice. What a vicious weedy, seedy cycle. Part of the Parenting on Track™-speak is DO NOT FEED THE WEEDS.

WEEDS = BAD BEHAVIORS

It’s so easy to see bad behaviors as weeds, right? And when they pop up and grab all the attention- even when we pretend to “not pay attention to them” we feed them and water them and shower them with: stop the whining, use a nice voice, as soon as you stop whining, can you stop talking like that? etc.

It’s like that saying, any press is good press. Any attention is good attention- especially for weeds. They don’t care if you’re cursing them for taking over the garden, as long as you keep the steady stream of water coming on strong.

So, when the whining sets in and hair on the back of your neck stands up because the sound is “right in the range” that makes your brain short circuit, walk away. Look away. Tune it out. Put up a wall. Blank out. Just pretend that thing that is driving you nuts- the whining or the noodling or the yelling or the complaining-it’s doesn’t matter. It’s all weeds.

Instead, go around to the other side of the garden and water a wildflower. Or a sunflower. Or a foxglove. Or a poppy. Or a daisy. Or a…ANYTHING but a weed. See what happens. And believe me, the hose is aimed right a the weeds- this is going to be difficult.

NOTE TO SELF: There are only two kinds of whine I can tolerate.

And the latter for a JUST matter of minutes.

Bite Me! (How did I get in this rabbit hole?)

I swear I saw a white rabbit. Where’s the choco-choco candy with the words “Eat Me” written in psychedelic script?

Well, ok, the rabbit doesn’t exist but the rabbit hole? OH YES IT DOES. And what does it have to do with you? Me? Anyone for that matter?

It’s that place we go when we’ve run out of patience and BOOM, we’re facing morning routine disaster or rush-around fallout.

It’s the extra whining session that leads to lecture.

It’s the “knock it off you two” that escalates into THAT’s IT! You can’t play XBOX for 2 months (logical, right?)

It’s the tantrum that leads to a hot-headed standoff, with one in time out and the other taking a shot of tequila (kidding! That’s AFTER they go to bed).

It’s the “if I have to ask you to clean it up one more time”…that’s it, I’m putting everything in the attic! (I do this one, charming)….

And then, there you are at the bottom of a tunnel with no door to get out.

You need a trippy bite to get you out. It just so happens there IS one magical snack that WILL grow you right on up and out of there: ice cream.

Instead of burrowing deeper, FREEZE. Say sorry and eat ice cream.

Vicki makes it so obvious- nobody at the bottom of the rabbit hole EVER won an argument and left with their pride in tact. So, go for it. Stop yourself and rewind…do it over again….just DON’T let yourself get tripped up in arbitrary “discipline strategies” when you really need to tackle it in a different mood. (Albeit, a brain-freeze induced mood).

Note to self: Is the Rabbit Hole a residential community? I might live there.

(I don’t live in Wonderland)

Got a Problem? Write it down…

And stick it on the wall!

In the Family Meeting, everyone comes together to say something nice, choose contributions and solve problems. However, it’s not  a free-for all of complaints. I’m just learning how but I see it works like this:

“MOMMY! He hit me…”

Response: Ooh, go write that down, we’ll talk about it at family meeting.

“Mommmmmmmy! He took my nerf gun.”

Response: Bummer, write it down.

“Mommyyyyyy I can’t find my book.”

Response: Again, write that down!

THEN, one of two things will happen:

They look at you and realize it’s not worth the effort.

They go and write it down. (If they can’t write, they can glue a picture or some visual).

FAST FORWARD to Family Meeting.

Everyone recaps the list of problems. By then, nearly every problem has since evaporated and they seem to be non issues. However, if someone still feels heated, the family must decide TOGETHER on an objective solution. Kids are asked to help with the solution and parents kick back and enable their kids’ ideas by providing some really dumb ones. I’m still testing this BUT I can see the communication coming together already. If anything, the sticky notes will provide distraction. HOWEVER, once the sticky notes get out of hand, it’ll be time to MOVE ON TO ONE white board or large blank piece…:).

TRICK QUESTION:

How do you solve a problem? Like Maria? Or Not like Maria?

NOTE TO SELF: If a technical problem comes along…you could just solve it the old fashioned way:

Contributions…where do we begin? (At the bottom…of the toilet?)

Ok, so I’ll admit this is all new to me– structured contributions are still a mystery. I get the first part of Family Meeting: Appreciations. But now, I need to add weekly contributions to the mix (hear the audio clip).  How can I do that when my OWN chores are so sporadic that I can’t remember the last time I wiped down X or rinsed off Y?

I guess the answer to my own question is: start simple. Introduce one task per kid for the entire week. One in the morning and one after school.

Vicki says her kids will effortlessly clean the entire kitchen and walk out the door for school. I’m like, whoa…that ain’t happening…YET. For now, I’ve handed ONE contribution off to the oldest- feed the pets before school. He does that anyway so that was easy- but at least he’ll have a starting place if we add tasks (like feed pets AND then empty dishwasher).

Another kid is now in charge of looking around once in the morning and once in the afternoon to see if all coats are hung up. I can’t tell you how many hoodies are piled around the living space. Honestly, I’m going to have to get a solid reminder system that lets them check it off the list without me reminding. I’m personally bad at sticking with YES, once you do X, you can do Y. I’m practicing but I still wouldn’t invite Vicki over for fear she’d be shamed (kidding!).

And the third kid? Well, I bought one of those tubs of counter wipes (the biodegradable, eco-nature stuff, no bleach!) and asked my little guy to check the sink for toothpaste. He’s gone a little heavy on the wiping—toothpaste specs have been replaced with piles of wipes on the floor of the bathroom. What I want to do, however, is ask if he could wipe the floor all around the toilet- since he’s in there and everything. But, I opted to hold back and save that for an exciting extension in the months to come.

NOTE TO SELF: Is making mommy coffee in bed a contribution to the family? Could very well be.

If Family Meeting were a cocktail…(cheers!)

If Family Meeting were a cocktail and I had to mix it up in a shiny, silver shaker, I’d whip it up like this:

1 Part Appreciations.

1 Part Contributions.

1 Part Problem Solving.

Add Splash of Allowance.

As I venture further into Family Meetings, it’s easy to want to add ingredients (like raging bitters or ornery tart-limes) but there’s only one recipe to remember for the perfect blend of FAMILY MEETING.

1. Everyone gets to say something nice,

2. the kids choose “contributions” and

3. the family discusses problems and solves them together.

Then they get paid!

Boom. Done. No finger pointing, name calling or guilt tripping. You have a set time and, GO!

I’ll chat about CONTRIBUTIONS and PROBLEM SOLVING over the next couple entries. For now, you’re in luck. All you have to do is watch this:

NOTE TO SELF: This is also a tasty cocktail. Can’t wait for summer!

So kids, what do you appreciate about me? (crickets…chirp, chirp…)

I remember the first Family Meeting we attended last year. I said something like, “Ok, we’re having family meeting. Let’s go around and say something we appreciate about each other!”

crickets.

shifty eyes.

crooked faces.

crickets.

silence.

I was like, whoa. hmm…ok, well, I’ll go first. I (surprisingly!) struggled to say something sincere about everyone in my family. Because I had been thinking about it a bit more, the appreciations weren’t total bombers but that meeting was definitely rough.

It wasn’t like, hooray, let’s shout out all those things we noticed throughout the week. It was like, I don’t know what to say. That was a shocking feeling- to see that we had nothing sincere to say to each other. AND, can you believe-they didn’t really appreciate me? (Of course, I’m sure they did–they just didn’t know how to articulate it:). When everyone stalled, I was tempted to say things like, remember when… or oh, he did ____ or don’t you remember-I did that….

In family meeting, if it gets to the point where you have to remind someone of their own appreciations, it’s time to do of of two things:

1. Pass and come back for another shot later.

2. Wait together as a family with crickets a blazing in the background.

If the 15 minute timer buzzes and a few kids don’t get the chance, well, there’s always next week.

After our first meeting, we took a tip from Vicki-we put charts on the wall and if somebody noticed ANYTHING that ANYONE was doing, they made a note. I’m thinking I should do that this time around. It only took a handful of weeks but the boys are primed now- they like it! They notice things and they enjoy hearing it back at them. But honestly, I do think they miss the growing list of mentions on the “I noticed that you…” chart.

Now I know what they appreciate me for (even if they haven’t said it): FAMILY MEETINGS. Go ahead, try it. Write down one thing you notice someone around you doing. Whether it’s shutting off the TV to study or helping a sibling fix the Playstation. Then tell them- later, when they’re not expecting it. See what happens and think about becoming a Family Meeting family.

NOTE TO SELF: The only nature sounds I want to hear are these:

My son doesn’t have a bedtime (and I’m cool with that).

Why? Because he wakes me up every morning shouting, “bye mom!” on his way out the door. Off he goes with his backpack, boots, jacket and everything he needs- homework and all. I never would have guessed he could do all that by 10. And so, with his AM routine in check, I say, go ahead, make your own decisions about bedtime- as long as I don’t have to get you up outta bed!

I used to say, go to bed. be in bed by 9. get to bed. you have to go to bed now. I’ve come to accept (happily) that  he can decide whether or not that 2 hour American Idol episode is worth the extra scramble in the morning. My guess is it’s usually yes, definitely worth the fatigue, except when Seacrest and Cowell banter between bad commercials.Anyway, he will get up every eve and go to bed by 9ish- and he will even manage his own reading schedule.

Why am I saying this? Because it ties into the Parenting on Track strategy of “Privileges and Responsibilities” (I’ll go further into details– apologies for lagging!!!). Vicki says, “Isn’t the goal of parenting to eventually get t as many yeses as possible?” I say, amen sister.

Now, if you do it the off-track way, you say yes before they’ve proven a skill set that can handle privileges (like choosing a bedtime). That’s obviously not smart. I do that now with some things I KNOW I shouldn’t let slide—like letting them merrily play video games before they’ve cleaned up the pile of toys in the livingroom or picked the laundry off the bathroom floor or spit toothpaste allover the sink. Dumb stuff, where it SHOULD be like, “YES, you can play video games as soon as…” But, you have to baby-step it.

I’ll tell you, I did learn today that the little two CANNOT handle the responsibility of snack-sized oreos. No joke- they went to town and now, we have (natural consequence) no tasty treats for tomorrow…I can hear it now: another clementine!?

NOTE TO SELF: Explain that you do in fact help him if he needs something. He’s not on his own and he likes the quiet time before everyone stirs. He plays piano, watches TV and will even jump in the shower if he forgot! Hey , for all I know, the morning could go like this: